Laura Theis — “Badass Snow White”

Click here to listen to “Badass Snow White.” 

Mirror Mirror Mirror on the Wall 
Who is the Biggest Badass of them all? 

Fed up with lying here in this glass coffin always hoping

that some prince is gonna come, 
’cause when he does I doubt that he’ll be charming 
kissing dead girls is a hobby I find alarming 
so when he comes I’ll jump out and disarm him 
and ride away into the night alone 

And I ain’t afraid of no apple pie 
Yeah it might kill me but I’ll eat it all the same 
And if you want to defeat me you’re welcome to try 
Just remember all the mirrors know my name 
Yeah in this land all the mirrors say my name 
They say my name 
What makes you think 
that you could beat me at my own game? 

I could slay my own dragons if I chose to 
But dragons are too good not to be used 
And the last one I met I fed her fire 
And she took me on her back for the ride of my life 

And I ain’t afraid of no apple pie 
Yeah it might kill me but I’ll eat it all the same 
And if you want to defeat me you’re welcome to try 
Just remember all the mirrors know my name 
Yeah in this land all the mirrors say my name 
They say my name, they say my name 
What makes you think 
that you could beat me at my own game? 

Once I fought 7 little men 
And beat their 7 little arses 
Now they let me live inside their house for free 
Take care of my nosebleeds and cook for me 

No and I ain’t afraid of no apple pie 
it might kill me but I’ll eat it all the same 
And if you want to defeat me you’re welcome to try 
Just remember all the mirrors know my name 
Yeah in this land all the mirrors say my name 
They say my name 
What made you think 
that you could beat me at my own game?


Laura Theis grew up in a place where each street bears the name of a mythical creature. Her songs, short stories, radio plays and poetry have been broadcast and published in the US, Germany and the UK. Her new writing is forthcoming in Strange Horizons, The London Reader, Manawaker Studio’s Flash Fiction Podcast, and from Three Drops Press. She is the winner of the 2017 AM Heath Prize and holds a Distinction in Creative Writing from Oxford University.